Ways To Pay Off Debt

Ways To Pay Off Debt Without Being Co-Dependent On Family and How To Say 'No' To Family:

She was scared and anxious, calling me up on Sunday afternoon to ask for money. It wasn’t the first time, as she was always looking for ways to pay off debt. She didn’t have a job, and I knew she wasn’t actively applying for any. I also knew that I was one of the few people she could turn to. But, I couldn’t allow this to continue on for much longer. She is an educated grown up and a very capable one at that. She couldn’t continue to allow her fear of failure to keep her in a powerless, victimized position forever.

She needed to learn to take care of herself and she needed to realize that she was the only person responsible for her life being what it was. “You are responsible for you” was the silent message that boldly flashed through my head. Likewise, her inability to come up with ways to pay off debt was also her responsibility.

My life is my responsibility, just as her life was hers. Had my helping actually been hurting? Under these circumstances, I think it was. Helping placed the responsibility for her life on me. But, she couldn’t get her life together and what could I do? She had dug herself into a very deep hole and what was I supposed to do…throw the shovel in on top of her? At what point does helping become hurting? How much giving is too much giving? How long is too long? Looking back, I wished I had not gotten so involved in her troubles. It wasn’t all her fault, because I was responsible for never saying “no”.

I had allowed myself to become one of her ways to pay off debt and in the process, I had dishonored myself because I had allowed myself to get into a place that caused me stress, anger, and worry. I had moved away from the space of making decisions that enriched my life, providing me with the energy to make positive differences and I had slowly crept into a negative and weak place. I realized that helping her was hurting both of us.

What was the right amount of help to give? Helping is good when it enriches lives. Helping is destructive when it moves you away from a place of peace, love, kindness, and joy. Helping yourself and others requires boundaries. Boundaries balance your focus. Given that each day has 24 hours, there is a set limit to the amount of time you can split your time between yourself and others. Helping others takes away from the time and energy that you have to focus on yourself – the one you are ultimately responsible for. If too much focus is on someone else’s life, then what happens to your own? It begins to deteriorate and the pages of your life will fray.

Helping others is one of life’s greatest joys, as long as it truly enables them to positively restructure their lives. This means that there has to be room for them to learn that they can make it on their own and figure out their own ways to pay off debt; self-sufficiency makes life sweet. I needed to let her figure out for herself how to manage her money and her career. Every time I stepped in, I was blocking her from figuring herself out. She didn’t know how to make her life work, but she needed to learn, and I could help by empowering her to do just that. By saying “no” to giving her more money, I set a boundary that we could both respect. By saying “no”, I told her: I trust in your ability to take care of yourself. I know you are an intelligent person, fully capable of providing for yourself. I am sorry that you are struggling right now, but I already know that you will get through this. I do not doubt your abilities. I respect and honor who you are and I have faith in you.

By saying “no”, I told myself: I am loving and giving to myself and others. I respect and honor myself. I actively make choices to decrease stress and anger in my life. I know that when it feels good to help others, then I am enriching my own life. And, when it doesn’t, then it is time for me to refocus and get back to the place of positivity, kindness, and light.

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