Self-Reinforcement

People tend to put a lot of pressure on themselves, more than they do on their loved ones. While it is easy to forgive and explain away the shortcomings of others, we have a hard time being kind and forgiving with ourselves. We set our own internal standards very high. It is rare to meet someone who has such low expectations of themselves that they are happy with their life’s output. Very few people have set their standards so low that it is easy to for them to live up to them.

Most of us have set very high personal standards and our day-to-day lives are evaluated against these rigorous standards. It is easy to go at a frantic pace for days at a time, feeling driven by a constant internal pressure to push ourselves to “the next level”. We don’t take the time to notice our accomplishments, nor do we thank ourselves for our good acts and hard work. In other words, there is no daily reinforcement for ourselves. Day after day, we push and challenge ourselves, but we often fail to recognize and reward ourselves. When all of those days are put together, they build a life of constantly pushing and striving. They do not build a life of self-acceptance and recognition. It is easy to see how feelings of emptiness, anxiety, and even depression can follow. We need to take the time to recognize how our hard work has benefited us, otherwise a cycle of relentless on-going activity perpetuates.

For example, in my early twenties, I diligently worked for a year to improve my credit score in order to qualify to buy a home. I paid down credit card debt, paid off my car loan, and I started bringing lunch to work. When a few unexpected “life emergencies” came up that required me to spend more than anticipated, I was disciplined enough to make further cut backs on my food and entertainment in order to meet my savings goal. That yea, my pantry was fully stocked with Cup of Noodles and Top Ramen. After all of that hard work, it didn’t even occur to me to recognize my own efforts. I forgot to thank myself! When I was approved for a home loan, my immediate thought was, “I can’t believe it! I am approved!” I attributed to it to luck instead of to my own discipline. I forgot that I was responsible for earning and deserving the home loan. I had figured out the right steps to improve my credit score, I had followed through, and then I asked for a loan, which I had worked hard to deserve. That is what self reinforcement is all about. It is recognizing the good things that we do that get us the results that we want. What I am talking about is taking the time to recognize how great you already are. It is a shift in focus from the future to the present. It is focusing not on how wonderful you could be, but on how wonderful you already are. Instead of reinforcing yourself for always striving to ‘get ahead’, reinforce how far you have come. For example, when I first started jogging, I could only jog for about 2 minutes at a time. After a month, my time had increased to 6 minutes. Whenever I thought about how many more months it would take to jog for 30 minutes without stopping, I envisioned myself trudging along at a snail’s pace, panting and miserable. Thinking of how much further I had to go was very discouraging and frustrating. One day, I realized that I was doing 100% more exercise than I had ever done before. I saw how far I had come and those 6 minutes were my reinforcement. I felt invigorated and my life actually seemed brighter. I am absolutely positive that there are things you do right now that you didn’t used to be able to do. Celebrate that!

Self recognition is vital to our day-to-day well being. Accolades from others have their time and place and they do make life sweet. But, you recognizing you is sincere and therefore quite powerful. It sticks with you for a long while because sincerity is honesty and truth. Providing ourselves with positive reinforcement is what keeps us vital. Vitality slays the dragons of sadness, defeat, and anxiety. When we have vitality, our thoughts are quicker, we literally feel lighter, and may actually move at a quicker pace.

Our high personal standards need to expand to include self kindness. We have forgotten how important positive reinforcement is in our daily lives. Kindness, self love, recognition, etc are the cornerstones for a healthy, successful, well balanced life. Take the time to go for a walk, take a 10 minute nap, or say, “I did that.” It feels fantastic.

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